“I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”
BLUE-EYED DEVIL | Lisa Kleypas
Losing Yourself in a Relationship | What Does That Even Mean?
Losing yourself in a relationship is one of those tricky experiences that can be seen in two completely different ways — as a really bad and dangerous thing, or as something good, driven, and positive.
Seeing it as a bad thing, of course, would normally involve perceiving something negative, which expression may go something like: You’re not being yourself in this relationship. You’re losing everything good and adorable about you — beautiful things that make you you, and you’re becoming something much worse.
While when seen as a good thing, we refer to it in such a way that may sound something like: You’re really losing yourself into this relationship. You’re giving it your all and putting all your strength into it. Consequently you’re becoming a better person for it.
Obviously the difference between these two scenarios is the outcome. The amount of energy and the type of energy that goes into it also matter, but most importantly the outcome is the major difference.
In the first case — that is in the case where we refer to it in a negative manner — the reason is that the effect is a negative one: you are losing yourself and are becoming a more terrible version. That is why it’s bad.
In the other case, though, you are refining yourself, deriving positive energy, and consequently becoming a much better person. That’s why it’s good.
So you see how losing yourself in a relationship can be both bad and good. It is all up to you, however, and yes, you do have the right to choose the path you want to follow.
By being familiar with the parameters involved, of course, and ultimately being able to differentiate between the various aspects of losing yourself in a relationship.
How Much to Lose? How Much to Keep?
The ultimate question when it comes to losing yourself in a relationship is always the question that involves just how much of you you ought to lose and just how much you ought to keep.
Sadly, there is no mathematical formula for these things.
Ideally one would suppose a good relationship is one where the parties involved have one brain, think alike, love the same things, hate the same things, have the same views on politics, religion, ideologies etc.
And as such each partner would have to lose parts of themselves to make up for the other. But this is not the case at all.
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Perks of Opposites | Aligned Flaws
The best relationships are the ones where the parties involved don’t have a single brain but absolutely complement each other.
This is what is meant when people use the term aligned flaws.
We’re perfect for each other not because we’re perfect, but because our flaws align.
Apart from the fact that having the same views on everything can become extremely monotonous and boring with time, the ultimate fact remains that none of us are perfect. We need a friend who’s capable of seeing things from a different perspective. A friend who can introduce us to new modes of thinking. If not we just stay stagnant, and this, we assure, leads to the most unhealthy relationship.
Perks of Similarities
Does this mean then that we must be the complete opposites of what our partners are? Just so we can introduce them to new modes of life?
Of course not.
Just as there is a need for complementing, there is also a need for connecting. To align. This is the draw/attraction. There’s no sugarcoating it, we simply do not fall in love with something we don’t agree with.
And that is where the need for the initial agreement arises. And even subsequently, this connection must still be present.
Dealing With the Quandary
How do we deal with the quandary then?
You see, when people talk of being incomplete without their partners, what they mean is that there is a certain completion to their life that goes missing whenever they’re not with that person. You can’t be incomplete with someone who does only the things you do.
In the same vein, however, you can’t connect with someone who is a complete antithesis to you — which is where the quandary arises. But the solutions may just be simpler than you think. Firstly, however, you must understand the trade-off.
Losing Yourself in a Relationship | The Trade Off
In most common situations, this is what happens: you start to like someone because you find something about them extremely attractive, and then you fall in love with them — again because you have found a lot of things about them extremely attractive, and highly essential to your being and well-being.
But seeing as at first, the attraction is borne of a few significant aspects of their personality, consequently this implies there is still room for a lot of other things you’ll get to know about them; things you may not find as attractive.
And the same goes for your partner.
So the trade-offs begin. And this is where things get really interesting — or catastrophic.
Sometimes when it comes to losing yourself in a relationship most of it is subconscious, you’re not even aware it’s happening. You’re being propelled, by love.
What is happening, though, is that both of you are trying to adapt to each other; correct your flaws or at any rate align them with the other person’s, and that is where the catastrophe comes in.
There is no automatic red flag check that goes blaring red light when you’re about to lose a beautiful, fundamental part of yourself, or when you’re about to gain something completely terrible and antithetical.
And because you are in love, and most of your actions are blinded and subconscious anyway, it gets even more difficult for you to recognize.
So when it comes to losing yourself in a relationship, here are a few ways to make sure you get the best out of the deal:
How to Lose Yourself in a Relationship — The Right Way
- Be Conscious
This, of course, is the very first step — and perhaps the hardest one. Some might even say incredibly so.
Like we said earlier, you’re in love. Like it or not you’re blinded to an extent. Things happen fast and the chemicals in your brain work you like magic. They control you like a puppet show.
People refer to this as the heart taking over the brain but really it’s just chemicals in one part of the brain taking over every other chemical in every other part.
The thing to do then, in this case, is to try your best to be as conscious of every change you undergo as you can. You must not lose sight of the person you’re becoming. Again this is hard, but it is not impossible. Lucky for you there are ways for you to make sure that you don’t fail at this, and one of them is the next point on our list.
- Ask For and Take Feedbacks
This might be another very difficult thing to do, seeing as we mostly like to keep our relationships a secret, or at any rate the important parts of it we like to keep to ourselves.
And then there is also the fact that we tend to get really protective and perhaps a bit insecure when it comes to things that make us vulnerable — among which falling hopelessly in love just happens to be. And as such we never really get comfortable asking questions and seeking feedback from our friends as to the states of our relationships.
This is good practice, of course, and important to healthiness in relationships, but there are times when we really do need to go out there and ask opinions of people we really trust. And this is one of those occasions.
People notice things about you that you can never do. They’re not weighed down by biases that you weigh you down. And most of them will tell you the truth — if you show them you really want to hear it.
- Never Lose More Than You Gain — in Quality
No matter how much you lose yourself, you must always make sure you’re getting something better in itself. Simply put, only lose yourself when there is something better to be found.
Again, it may not really be in your place to determine quality, but a good rule of thumb is that whatever you gain that makes you and the people around you happier and better is obviously a good thing and vice versa.
- Keep a Mental Count of Compromises
The trade-off involves a lot of compromises. And yes, this is a good and important thing for any relationship that’s seeking to survive and be fruitful.
But too many one-sided compromises is an absolute red flag. There is no one so terrible that they’d have to lose every single part of themselves to another to be good, and there is nobody so good that there wouldn’t be any good thing they can pick up from another.
So when you find you make way more compromises than your partner, there is a great need to troubleshoot.
- Never Forget the Self
Knowing who you are in the first place can go a long way in making sure you never lose yourself negatively in a relationship. Know who you are and identify the very fundamental parts of yourself that you can’t afford to lose under any circumstance, and make damn sure you hold steady to this!
Leave time for yourself, too. It’s easy to get lost in the us of relationships to the detriment of the selves. Make time for things you do alone. Leaving your partner alone can be a great thing. Never forget this, and use it to your advantage.
Losing yourself in a relationship is a two way thing. But there are methods to make sure you lose yourself in a relationship the right way. We have also provided a list of things to do to make sure you lose yourself the right way and have the most healthy and cheerful relationship ever. Have a great day!
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