The Sacred Guide to Being Single on Valentine’s Day – Dos and Donts
Well I don’t need a guide to be single on Valentine’s day. I just hate those damn couples, grinning and laughing and smooching and cavorting all around, literally all red. To tell you the truth I just wish they’d choke.
Is this you? Can’t you just hep but feel this way on a certain day of a certain month? It’s not? You can? Good. There’s absolutely no reason to feel this way on Valentine’s day.
But according to our, er erm, erudite research, one in ten singles feel something akin to hatred or disgust for couples on this day. Understandable though it is — to an extent — Valentine’s day is no day to hate. It is, obviously, the day for the exact opposite.
It is the day to love and show this love in the most profound way possible. Some find it hard to do this, however, because of the assumption that the object of our affections must always be someone other than ourselves! And that to have anything in the semblance of fun on Valentine’s Day, aka Lover’s Day, we must have a significant other.
We’re here to tell you, though, that this can not be farther from the truth.
You can in fact not be in a relationship and have the craziest, most enjoyable Valentine’s ever! But we must warn thee, as with all crazy and enjoyable things in life, there are certain sacred rules that must be followed to the letter; certain things that must done and certain sacred laws that mustn’t be broken. Now this may sound like a daunting task, or a scary maze, but have no fear. We’re here to guide you through them.
Now without further romance:
Guide to Being Single on Valentine’s Day: THE Dos:
TAKE YOURSELF OUT
We know, it’s a jungle out there for singles on Valentine’s day. Couples, couples, couples everywhere!!! Oh the spark in their eyes. The smirk on their faces. How they mock us single ones.
Or maybe, just maybe it’s all in your head?
One thing’s for sure: the world is whatever you choose to make of it. And we say go out, see beauties in the world. Roam in that beauty and enjoy the little things. Buy yourself a drink. Stop by the door glasses and compliment yourself in the mirror. Wear a smile big enough for two and make the couples jealous!
CHILL WITH OTHER SINGLES: NO COUPLES ALLOWED
Don’t get us wrong, there’s nothing wrong with having couples over with your very single self. Nothing at all, except the constant kissing and romping and making you wish you were them. Apart from all these of course nothing.
To spare yourself the unpleasantness, though, we say find some single friends, tell them to invite more single friends of theirs, and have a hell of a party. Hell, who knows, you might even meet that special one with whom you connect instantly and not have to read this post all over again next year.
Now before you get too excited, we’re not saying wank yourself to oblivion out of self-pity. We’re saying if you’re going to wank, wank yourself to oblivion out of self-love! It’s much better that way.
Hey, you might even think of this post while you do it and have yourself a good laugh. The power is literally in your hands! And with great power…
And even though you might not have found that special one yet, that doesn’t mean you don’t have people who care about you. So why not give them a call. Tell them how much they mean to you. Buy them a gift or twoand be thankful you have such a great life. Because you do!
Guide to Being Single on Valentine’s Day: THE Donts
Now Don’t ever in any circumstance:
Go Near the Rom-Coms
This is without a doubt the most important rule in your guide to being single on Valentine’s day. You DO NOT want to be seeing a romantic comedy as a single on Valentine’s. It is exactly like — or even worse than — inviting couples to your singles hangout. In fact certain — er erm — experts have likened it to a celibate going to a strip club to become stronger.
And forget all that talk about living vicariously. It DOES NOT work. Our experts can assure you it is no different than a priest going to offer deliverance at a strip club by midnight. This is not a drill, people. If you see a rom-com, burn that thing instantly! If your friend plays it near you, break that device! Defeat tyranny at all cost! And if you’re bored and without any entertainment, watch porn instead! You’ll thank us later.
Hold a Pity Party
Don’t forget, as a guide to being single on valentine’s, this is still a don’t. So in case you’ve already started planning the main attractions for your pity party, cancel that program immediately!
Valentine’s Day is NOT the day to mope and contemplate on where it all went wrong, or what you could have done better, or why you shouldn’t have called your ex’s mom a hoe to her face. Get up and suck it up and find yourself a nice little spot. Paradise awaits.
Poison Your Friends Who are in Relationships
We can’t stress this enough. For the love of the saint DO NOT sprinkle rat poison into your best friend’s girlfriend’s dinner. Do NOT rip the brake off your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s car. It might seem a good idea at the time, but trust us, it’s not. It’s one of those decisions you just might probably end up regretting sometime in the future.
Seriously, don’t do it. We’re watching you.
Settle For Just Anyone
Valentine’s can be a particular stinky beach (porn intended) when it comes to heightened loneliness. You must never lose your resolve though. Remember how far you’ve come.
So what you’ve been alone for so long you almost have your name etched in the singles hall fame? You have your eyes on the prize. Don’t submit to Valentine’s loneliness.
The special one is still out there. Waiting for you! And we believe in true love and when the time is right. Never stop believing.
And always remember,
Being single on valentine’s day is not the end of the world. You may be single but you’re not alone. — no, really there are literally billions of other beings like you on this fat planet. And among them are family and friends who love you, and that special one just waiting to be yours!
You’re single but you can still have a great Valentine’s day, instead of a SAD (Single Awareness Day.) Now go out there and do something you’ll kinda, sorta, but not really, truly, regret the next morning!
Your guide to being single on Valentine’s Day.
Have a great Valentine’s.
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